All posts tagged Time

When is #NOW a good time to start living?

Published July 27, 2013 by myagleny

If there’s one thing we can be damn sure of, it’s if we keep doing the same old things, we keep getting the same old things.

No good complaining life is monotonous and boring, if we don’t stick our necks out occasionally.  Easier said than done especially if we’re feeling tired and worn down, but then again perhaps that’s exactly the time when we should make the extra effort!  Monotony is renowned for bringing exhaustion in its wake… Too tired, too old, too bored.

What get’s us out of bed in the morning?  New stuff, that’s what. New things make us feel excited.  Children’s lives are full of excitement, because every day they find something new to be excited about.  As time passes (if we don’t keep our wits about us), we begin to get stuck.  We buy a house, we put our roots down, every day we make the same journey to work to do the same job with the same people, we come home again to the same routines… we turn on the telly, eat a sad and indigestible microwave meal, drink a bottle of wine and try to forget that this is all we have become.  We begin to settle.

Settle is what we expect others to do.  ‘At last he’s settled down!’ As if it were a good thing to no longer yearn for excitement and new experiences. ‘Settle’ is what water does when the flow begins to slow.  Sooner or later it stops altogether and the freshness goes, and then the water that was once full of light and sound and vitality, becomes stagnant.  It becomes poison.

This is what happens to us.

When we stop looking for new things, new experiences, new life, we start to atrophy.  Our life force begins to diminish because our disinterest in ‘what comes next’ proclaims to the universe we no longer have a desire to live. We begin to send out nothing but negativity…  Oh God, another day.

But not all follow the dead-end path.  I have two friends (they are twins) who are 77 years old.  I share this only because if you met them, you would never believe it.  I have never known anyone who has been anywhere on this planet they haven’t. Their entire lives have been spent living.  They never married and fell foul of convention. They’ve had no children – to their knowledge. They have always walked – or rather run – their own path, and it has been filled with fun, excitement, sadness, love, light and passion.  They tell me, they have no regrets – not one – because they have always done everything they felt the urge to do.  They say, when they die, they will be happy because they never wasted a single moment of the lives they’ve been given.

My journey has been very different.  I did get married.  I did buy a house.  I did travel the same route to work, and I did have children. I didn’t travel the world and taste its countless delights, I didn’t climb the heights a soul that knows it’s free can, I stayed at home instead… and ‘settled’.

But now, before it’s too late, I want something different from the convention and expectation I felt weighed so heavy.  Now my eyes and my heart are opening, and I can feel the flow inside of me.  I want to live.  I want to taste, and touch and smell and see and hear, and completely immerse myself in all good things this life is simply bursting to show me!

I see an door swinging open in front of me…  I think I will walk through – no!  I think I will run! 🙂


Cash under the Bed

Published April 30, 2013 by myagleny

My ex-husband used to keep money under the bed.  He would shove bundles of notes under the mattress at the end of each working day, and occasionally even pay some of it into the bank.  He earned a lot of cash.  It was the nature of his business. The Inland Revenue never got the full story of course, it would have cost them a fortune to follow him around day after day as he visited wealthy ladies with money, and time, on their hands.  Every morning he would be up and gone at daybreak – no mobile phones back then, so I would never hear a word from him until he came home in the evening, pockets full of cash and starving hungry. Where had he been?  Who had he seen?  I never knew.  

Was he a gigolo? I think you could say there were perks (for him) that came with the job, but by profession he was a farrier – a blacksmith who nailed iron shoes onto horses.  Perhaps that was the appeal for the ladies with the loot. Lonely Lady Whoever would seldom turn down an hour in the company of something so dark and dangerous.  There was always a kind of earthy sexuality to him.  Like a fox, he was always on the look out and rarely missed a chance. The women adored him.  They would fall at his feet.

It’s very odd being married to someone other women fancy so openly.  In the end it makes you feel almost invisible. One lady, whose red finger nails seemed to know the line of his back just a little too well, even came to babysit.  Now that took some nerve. I didn’t know it at the time, for I was naive and probably downright stupid, but she and he had been at it for years.   Later I felt quite sorry for her, because she, like all the others, fell out of favour in the end. To cap it all he stopped shoeing her horses as well.

Of course someone like this doesn’t actually care for anyone.  How can they?  If you move from one person to another, without forming any personal attachment, you cannot possibly feel love or compassion for your fellow human beings.  If you did, you wouldn’t want to use them in such a callous way, or ever inflict more hurt.  To carry on behaving in this way year after year would surely be impossible for someone who had an ounce of kindness.  Not for him. He never looked back.  He had the unique ability of being able to erase unwanted people and thoughts from his mind.  They simply no longer existed.  He had no apparent guilt.  At age 14 he got a girl pregnant, and when confronted by the distraught father, merely shrugged and said ‘It’s not my problem mate – I’m going to football!’  Years later, when he told this story, he would chuckle.  It was one of his favourites.

So what happened to jack-the-lad?  He with the dark and swarthy looks and muscles to match…  What happened to the man with the eyes of a snake and the habits of a libertine? What happened to the grand seducer who never had to try too hard?

Well… For one thing he got old!  (Pause for smirk…)  

Like for all of us, time ticks away and takes away our youth and our vitality.

Not so much cash under the bed these days I’ll be bound.

Visions of Round Houses and a Sense of Lost Time

Published April 10, 2013 by myagleny

I caught of glimpse across time this morning.  I saw with more than just my eyes, and for a precious moment, felt a sense of community as never before.  My heart went out, and I felt a yearning for something so ancient and timeless it completely transformed my state of being.  It was early morning, and the village was still sleeping as I drew back my curtains and looked out.  Steam rose like curls of smoke from one or two houses, and all at once I ‘saw’ in my mind a gathering of round houses set in this landscape.  I felt connected to it, part of it, all of it.  With every cell and fibre I was this place, this land, this community.   In that instant of recognition I felt a loving, infinite meaning for my existence – a purpose and a knowing all at once that brought me understanding.  At that moment, I knew my place, and it was good.

A passing car brought me back, and the severing of that fleeting connection and purpose for life was painful.  It still is.

Do others ever feel as I did in that moment?  Do they feel it all the time?  Do they live in communities who rejoice in their companionship, support and connection, one with another? I do not know.

I have lived in this place for over ten years, but I know but a handful of people.  There are 300 houses here, and many farms around – there are many, many people I could know. But I do not go to church and I do not go to the pub.  My children are grown and I never visit the little school.  if you do not participate in any of these things, it is difficult to make contact.  People are suspicious.  Many are fearful of those they do not know.  But everyone is someone you do not know – until you do. There are so many wonderful things we could share if we only knew.

A man died in his home the other week.  He lived alone in squalor. He shunned visitors and preferred to let his final days be ones of solitude.  One could say that was his choice, and so it was.  I wonder if it would have been so in the days of the round houses?  Would the community have been so detached that an old man would have been left alone to rot?  I wonder.

In my vision this morning I could not see that outcome.  It seemed there was a Oneness that could only mean that when one person suffered, ALL would suffer. It would not have been possible to look away.  Surely it is this sense of community and compassion that has enabled humanity to have survived this far.  We have done it by supporting each other…

What we do to another, ultimately impacts on ourselves.  What we put out, always comes back. If I shun you, I am shunning an aspect of myself.  If I help you, I also help myself.  We know this is true, because we all know how much better we feel when we have given to another. When we were fully supporting each other, and villages like this would turn out to bring in the harvest together, we were held in the spirit of a community that looked after itself.  No one was left out in the cold to die alone.

I would love to feel that sense of community again.  It was magical.  I felt safe and loved and in the moment.  I would have been unafraid to walk out of my house and join with others.

Now of course I doubt myself.  The shutters are falling once again, and I am overcome with a crippling apathy and cynicism for having such dreams.  Why bother? Nobody cares.

But that cannot be true – because I care – and if I care, so do others.  It only becomes true if I cease to care. If I give up on others, they will surely give up on me, and so I won’t.

I will hold my dream, and should I forget for a while, I will look out of my window across the village roof tops, and see the little round houses with the curls of smoke settled peacefully in this landscape.  I will remember how it can be.  Image