Life

All posts tagged Life

The dumbing down of #Emotion

Published September 21, 2013 by myagleny

Years ago, I came to the uncomfortable realisation that I had become numb. Somewhere along the line I had turned off the tap that had brought to me my feelings, emotions, intuitions and appropriate human reactions.  Somewhere, in amongst the dramas and traumas of a crazy life, I had decided I would be better off not to feel… anything.  I could still stub my toe and complain about it however, and much later I could give birth and be aware of excruciating physical pain ravaging my body, but to most things – good or bad – it would be as if I disappeared, to a place deep inside where nothing could touch me.

Why does a person shut off feeling?  In my case I believe it came as a small child when I was told that life was hard and unpleasant, and consisted of difficulties and penalties and punishment. ‘Real’ life was all about hard work, success or failure.  It was about marks on pieces of paper and regular reports from your betters, highlighting what was wrong and never what was right. Real life was a mountain of must dos and must do nots…  Freedom, peace and hugging trees were just a joke!  Never permitted, never valued, never even talked about except in terms of wackos, weirdos and drop outs…  Peace and Love were for drug addicts and wastrels – bad people who sponged off those who worked hard their whole lives. Good people like us work I was told, and work some more.  I believed the propaganda, all its lies and limitations, and part of me began to close down because I never wanted to feel the intensity of the sadness of it.

I was led to believe the connection I felt with Nature and Trees as a child was not ‘real’.  It was a fantasy that those who believed they were helping me, tried to squash.  They succeeded oh so easily, because a small child always wants to be loved, and if you do as you’re told and think as you’re told, you’re more likely to receive a kindly word.  Go against them and something is ‘wrong’ with you.  Even if you are never deliberately disobedient, only gently going about your business, if you have not bought into their world you must have chosen opposition, and therefore become the enemy in some form. Little children do not want to have enemies. They just want to have love.

As you grow up you become so used to numbness you no longer remember how it felt before.  You wonder in your quiet moments why you have to drink so much alcohol before life holds any joy at all.  You know you will be judged in the morning, told off, condemned and looked upon with disgust, but it’s still worth it just to feel something for a while. One too many and it’s over the top back into numbness again – but hey, that’s familiar territory.

When awareness comes, as it does in the end, all kinds of interesting things begin to happen.  It is as if every unasked question starts screaming for answers, and it hurts.  Every lie becomes blatant and raw. Every attempt at smothering the honesty of Life becomes a crime.  With awareness the Truth rushes in from all directions, and for years it literally took my breath away.  How could I have been so dumb?  How could I have believed such twisted pain and taken it as my own? Why did those who professed to care, persist in trying to poison me? 

Now I am in the middle of the great unfolding.  I allow things to come and go.  I am releasing the blame, and releasing the pain, and am continuing to feel more and more.  Now my love for the Natural World has free expression – I feel safe in the wild places.  I am connecting again.  Feeling means full expression of Self.  It is the only true way to live.  Without our emotions and intuitions we are shadows, half-alive…  It is the uniqueness of the human experience and the ability to express it fully that makes a Life.

I can do that.     

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#Loss #Love and Remembering

Published August 24, 2013 by myagleny

When we lose someone, or something that holds great importance for us, it leaves a yawning gap in our lives.  But where exactly is this gap?  Newtonian physics would not be able to find it and actually show us the location of this empty space, and a Doctor would not be able to fill it or fix it with a bandage, although she might suggest the numbing qualities of another mind bender. The gap doesn’t exist in a material sense, but we feel it all the same.  It is like a bottomless pit that floats in and out of our awareness, lost in time somewhere, but the pain of its presence we feel right now.  Sometimes it is almost as if we can see into it – the gap, the pit – and the heartbreak is there is no light within. What can we do?

It seems we have to get bigger.  Much bigger.  We have to move beyond the ‘little me’ and begin to see a timeless, endless divinity that works ceaselessly and effortlessly.  The way out of suffering is to move out, in all directions and in all ways.  If we expand beyond the terrors of our mortality and inevitable losses, we begin to see the magic and motion of life playing out in everything we say and everything we do. Our lives become purposeful – not in worldly ways we have been taught hold the greatest value, like our ability to build empires and corporations – but in the subtle realms of love and compassion for all things.  It is here that our Truth unfolds.  Here is where our reason for living reveals itself.

Why do we have to feel pain?  Because we can. Through the pain in our life experiences, our true nature has the opportunity to show itself.  If we acknowledge our fears – the losses and the sorrows – and take from them the gifts that really are there if we put down our weapons and allow – Life/God/The Universe comes joyfully tumbling into everything, and it is as if our thoughts and words and deeds become charged with a gentle power, so great it creates new worlds in every moment.

When we forget our connection to all life, we feel small, isolated and alone.  We feel like victims – tiny, suffering and helpless.  This is not who we are – not really.  We have the power of choice in every moment, and when we choose to remember we are all things in all ways, our yawning, painful gaps fill in with love and kindness, and we are complete.

We are human, and it is inevitable that we will experience loss in life, but when we feel it, and feel it we will, we can also choose to be healed by remembering our connection to divinity, and invite in the greatest force in all the Universe…

Love.  Image

When is #NOW a good time to start living?

Published July 27, 2013 by myagleny

If there’s one thing we can be damn sure of, it’s if we keep doing the same old things, we keep getting the same old things.

No good complaining life is monotonous and boring, if we don’t stick our necks out occasionally.  Easier said than done especially if we’re feeling tired and worn down, but then again perhaps that’s exactly the time when we should make the extra effort!  Monotony is renowned for bringing exhaustion in its wake… Too tired, too old, too bored.

What get’s us out of bed in the morning?  New stuff, that’s what. New things make us feel excited.  Children’s lives are full of excitement, because every day they find something new to be excited about.  As time passes (if we don’t keep our wits about us), we begin to get stuck.  We buy a house, we put our roots down, every day we make the same journey to work to do the same job with the same people, we come home again to the same routines… we turn on the telly, eat a sad and indigestible microwave meal, drink a bottle of wine and try to forget that this is all we have become.  We begin to settle.

Settle is what we expect others to do.  ‘At last he’s settled down!’ As if it were a good thing to no longer yearn for excitement and new experiences. ‘Settle’ is what water does when the flow begins to slow.  Sooner or later it stops altogether and the freshness goes, and then the water that was once full of light and sound and vitality, becomes stagnant.  It becomes poison.

This is what happens to us.

When we stop looking for new things, new experiences, new life, we start to atrophy.  Our life force begins to diminish because our disinterest in ‘what comes next’ proclaims to the universe we no longer have a desire to live. We begin to send out nothing but negativity…  Oh God, another day.

But not all follow the dead-end path.  I have two friends (they are twins) who are 77 years old.  I share this only because if you met them, you would never believe it.  I have never known anyone who has been anywhere on this planet they haven’t. Their entire lives have been spent living.  They never married and fell foul of convention. They’ve had no children – to their knowledge. They have always walked – or rather run – their own path, and it has been filled with fun, excitement, sadness, love, light and passion.  They tell me, they have no regrets – not one – because they have always done everything they felt the urge to do.  They say, when they die, they will be happy because they never wasted a single moment of the lives they’ve been given.

My journey has been very different.  I did get married.  I did buy a house.  I did travel the same route to work, and I did have children. I didn’t travel the world and taste its countless delights, I didn’t climb the heights a soul that knows it’s free can, I stayed at home instead… and ‘settled’.

But now, before it’s too late, I want something different from the convention and expectation I felt weighed so heavy.  Now my eyes and my heart are opening, and I can feel the flow inside of me.  I want to live.  I want to taste, and touch and smell and see and hear, and completely immerse myself in all good things this life is simply bursting to show me!

I see an door swinging open in front of me…  I think I will walk through – no!  I think I will run! 🙂