All posts tagged Feelings

How shall I be tomorrow?

Published February 24, 2014 by myagleny

If I want to tell you how I feel, I only have my words to explain…  And words can be too easily misunderstood.  I cannot show you how I am with tears and laughter, because we are not together – you cannot see me, I am not here.  I can only try to share by way of strange little marks upon a page, that is not even a page.  Marks that you interpret as you do in the way you do, but maybe not as I intended when I made them.

How shall I be, in this moment of all time?

Gone are the feelings of my yesterday, gone forever into nothingness. They were never real, never true.  But nonetheless, here they are again. It is only my relentless, recurring thoughts that bring these feelings back for me to feel again today – but they cannot be the same as yesterday because time has changed them.  The change is subtle, but it is there. They are not the same because now is not then.

I think about this and that, again and again.  I think about how it has been and how it should have been, and every time I think it I reinforce the memory, so that when I come to think of it again tomorrow I will not forget.  I think it is the same, but it is not the same.

How stupid that is!  Why am I continuing to try to think the same thoughts day after day, when the Universe is so full and vibrant and diverse?  Why do I work so hard to keep myself as close to yesterday as I can?  I cannot move into something new, while I anchor myself to a past that doesn’t exist except in the grinding thoughts of my mind. What am I afraid of?

Suppose tomorrow I refuse to think about my problems, my family’s problems and the problems of the world?  What on Earth would my mind do with itself!  It would go crazy without a worry!  It isn’t used to thinking differently – it only knows bad news and endless lists of things to be done. I don’t think it can do it – it only knows one way.

Suppose I watch it, like watching a little child at play.  Every so often I can remind it, gently help it out of the ruts it falls into with such ease, and murmur encouragement. ‘That’s an original thought!  Well done!’  I will ask it questions and make it think.  I will make it notice it’s feelings and celebrate the changes as they come.  Today is not yesterday all over again… unless I make it so.

I will keep it busy with writing words, on a page that isn’t even a page…


The dumbing down of #Emotion

Published September 21, 2013 by myagleny

Years ago, I came to the uncomfortable realisation that I had become numb. Somewhere along the line I had turned off the tap that had brought to me my feelings, emotions, intuitions and appropriate human reactions.  Somewhere, in amongst the dramas and traumas of a crazy life, I had decided I would be better off not to feel… anything.  I could still stub my toe and complain about it however, and much later I could give birth and be aware of excruciating physical pain ravaging my body, but to most things – good or bad – it would be as if I disappeared, to a place deep inside where nothing could touch me.

Why does a person shut off feeling?  In my case I believe it came as a small child when I was told that life was hard and unpleasant, and consisted of difficulties and penalties and punishment. ‘Real’ life was all about hard work, success or failure.  It was about marks on pieces of paper and regular reports from your betters, highlighting what was wrong and never what was right. Real life was a mountain of must dos and must do nots…  Freedom, peace and hugging trees were just a joke!  Never permitted, never valued, never even talked about except in terms of wackos, weirdos and drop outs…  Peace and Love were for drug addicts and wastrels – bad people who sponged off those who worked hard their whole lives. Good people like us work I was told, and work some more.  I believed the propaganda, all its lies and limitations, and part of me began to close down because I never wanted to feel the intensity of the sadness of it.

I was led to believe the connection I felt with Nature and Trees as a child was not ‘real’.  It was a fantasy that those who believed they were helping me, tried to squash.  They succeeded oh so easily, because a small child always wants to be loved, and if you do as you’re told and think as you’re told, you’re more likely to receive a kindly word.  Go against them and something is ‘wrong’ with you.  Even if you are never deliberately disobedient, only gently going about your business, if you have not bought into their world you must have chosen opposition, and therefore become the enemy in some form. Little children do not want to have enemies. They just want to have love.

As you grow up you become so used to numbness you no longer remember how it felt before.  You wonder in your quiet moments why you have to drink so much alcohol before life holds any joy at all.  You know you will be judged in the morning, told off, condemned and looked upon with disgust, but it’s still worth it just to feel something for a while. One too many and it’s over the top back into numbness again – but hey, that’s familiar territory.

When awareness comes, as it does in the end, all kinds of interesting things begin to happen.  It is as if every unasked question starts screaming for answers, and it hurts.  Every lie becomes blatant and raw. Every attempt at smothering the honesty of Life becomes a crime.  With awareness the Truth rushes in from all directions, and for years it literally took my breath away.  How could I have been so dumb?  How could I have believed such twisted pain and taken it as my own? Why did those who professed to care, persist in trying to poison me? 

Now I am in the middle of the great unfolding.  I allow things to come and go.  I am releasing the blame, and releasing the pain, and am continuing to feel more and more.  Now my love for the Natural World has free expression – I feel safe in the wild places.  I am connecting again.  Feeling means full expression of Self.  It is the only true way to live.  Without our emotions and intuitions we are shadows, half-alive…  It is the uniqueness of the human experience and the ability to express it fully that makes a Life.

I can do that.