If I want to tell you how I feel, I only have my words to explain… And words can be too easily misunderstood. I cannot show you how I am with tears and laughter, because we are not together – you cannot see me, I am not here. I can only try to share by way of strange little marks upon a page, that is not even a page. Marks that you interpret as you do in the way you do, but maybe not as I intended when I made them.
How shall I be, in this moment of all time?
Gone are the feelings of my yesterday, gone forever into nothingness. They were never real, never true. But nonetheless, here they are again. It is only my relentless, recurring thoughts that bring these feelings back for me to feel again today – but they cannot be the same as yesterday because time has changed them. The change is subtle, but it is there. They are not the same because now is not then.
I think about this and that, again and again. I think about how it has been and how it should have been, and every time I think it I reinforce the memory, so that when I come to think of it again tomorrow I will not forget. I think it is the same, but it is not the same.
How stupid that is! Why am I continuing to try to think the same thoughts day after day, when the Universe is so full and vibrant and diverse? Why do I work so hard to keep myself as close to yesterday as I can? I cannot move into something new, while I anchor myself to a past that doesn’t exist except in the grinding thoughts of my mind. What am I afraid of?
Suppose tomorrow I refuse to think about my problems, my family’s problems and the problems of the world? What on Earth would my mind do with itself! It would go crazy without a worry! It isn’t used to thinking differently – it only knows bad news and endless lists of things to be done. I don’t think it can do it – it only knows one way.
Suppose I watch it, like watching a little child at play. Every so often I can remind it, gently help it out of the ruts it falls into with such ease, and murmur encouragement. ‘That’s an original thought! Well done!’ I will ask it questions and make it think. I will make it notice it’s feelings and celebrate the changes as they come. Today is not yesterday all over again… unless I make it so.
I will keep it busy with writing words, on a page that isn’t even a page…