It’s so very nice to feel calm, peaceful and at ease tonight. For weeks, if not months, I have had something rattling away in the back of my mind. Like an electrical appliance that runs 24/7, there has been a kind of hum in my head that has never gone away. This hum is my internal list of ‘must dos’, ‘have tos’ and ‘should dos’. It was a long list. The kind of list that has no end, because every day whatever gets ticked off two more get put in its place.
Yesterday I had a meltdown. As some folks say, ‘I lost it’, whatever ‘it’ is. I realised I was never going to get ‘it’ done, and the path I was choosing was bringing me closer and closer towards a maelstrom of even more ‘must dos’, ‘have tos’ and ‘should dos’… and if I didn’t call a halt to the whole crazy episode, I could see the life I say I want, moving further and further away.
If I said I cried a flood last night, I would not be exaggerating – not too much anyway. I think I went into a kind of shock too, because I became very cold and my whole body shook. I stopped sobbing in the end and tried to go to bed, but there was no sleep to be had. My thinking mind was not interested in giving up it’s supremacy to the unconscious. I was wide awake. At 3.30am I found myself in the garden, sitting on a bench, wrapped in my bear coat with the hood over my head. At least out here I was not ticking myself off for not being asleep.
In the early hours of the morning the garden is strangely still – save for the silent (to my ears at least) fluttering of bats, that circle round the lamp posts hoovering up insects as they go. Nothing looks real – it looks fabricated – not like a real garden at all. It looks almost two dimensional, somewhat like a child’s cut out.
I sat and pondered my situation. In the garden everything listens politely without judgment. I sat and let the answers happen. I asked for the Truth to be shown to me, and didn’t add any caveats. I have come to the conclusion that there is no point in shying away from Universal Truth. We are all the Universal Truth after all, and in all honesty cannot hide from ourselves – not really.
Tonight I will sleep… I am at ease. I am content.