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All posts for the month August, 2013

#Loss #Love and Remembering

Published August 24, 2013 by myagleny

When we lose someone, or something that holds great importance for us, it leaves a yawning gap in our lives.  But where exactly is this gap?  Newtonian physics would not be able to find it and actually show us the location of this empty space, and a Doctor would not be able to fill it or fix it with a bandage, although she might suggest the numbing qualities of another mind bender. The gap doesn’t exist in a material sense, but we feel it all the same.  It is like a bottomless pit that floats in and out of our awareness, lost in time somewhere, but the pain of its presence we feel right now.  Sometimes it is almost as if we can see into it – the gap, the pit – and the heartbreak is there is no light within. What can we do?

It seems we have to get bigger.  Much bigger.  We have to move beyond the ‘little me’ and begin to see a timeless, endless divinity that works ceaselessly and effortlessly.  The way out of suffering is to move out, in all directions and in all ways.  If we expand beyond the terrors of our mortality and inevitable losses, we begin to see the magic and motion of life playing out in everything we say and everything we do. Our lives become purposeful – not in worldly ways we have been taught hold the greatest value, like our ability to build empires and corporations – but in the subtle realms of love and compassion for all things.  It is here that our Truth unfolds.  Here is where our reason for living reveals itself.

Why do we have to feel pain?  Because we can. Through the pain in our life experiences, our true nature has the opportunity to show itself.  If we acknowledge our fears – the losses and the sorrows – and take from them the gifts that really are there if we put down our weapons and allow – Life/God/The Universe comes joyfully tumbling into everything, and it is as if our thoughts and words and deeds become charged with a gentle power, so great it creates new worlds in every moment.

When we forget our connection to all life, we feel small, isolated and alone.  We feel like victims – tiny, suffering and helpless.  This is not who we are – not really.  We have the power of choice in every moment, and when we choose to remember we are all things in all ways, our yawning, painful gaps fill in with love and kindness, and we are complete.

We are human, and it is inevitable that we will experience loss in life, but when we feel it, and feel it we will, we can also choose to be healed by remembering our connection to divinity, and invite in the greatest force in all the Universe…

Love.  Image

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Working through the flood

Published August 15, 2013 by myagleny

It’s so very nice to feel calm, peaceful and at ease tonight.  For weeks, if not months, I have had something rattling away in the back of my mind. Like an electrical appliance that runs 24/7, there has been a kind of hum in my head that has never gone away. This hum is my internal list of ‘must dos’, ‘have tos’ and ‘should dos’.  It was a long list.  The kind of list that has no end, because every day whatever gets ticked off two more get put in its place.  

Yesterday I had a meltdown.  As some folks say, ‘I lost it’, whatever ‘it’ is.  I realised I was never going to get ‘it’ done, and the path I was choosing was bringing me closer and closer towards a maelstrom of even more ‘must dos’, ‘have tos’ and ‘should dos’… and if I didn’t call a halt to the whole crazy episode, I could see the life I say I want, moving further and further away.  

If I said I cried a flood last night, I would not be exaggerating – not too much anyway. I think I went into a kind of shock too, because I became very cold and my whole body shook.  I stopped sobbing in the end and tried to go to bed, but there was no sleep to be had.  My thinking mind was not interested in giving up it’s supremacy to the unconscious.  I was wide awake.  At 3.30am I found myself in the garden, sitting on a bench, wrapped in my bear coat with the hood over my head.  At least out here I was not ticking myself off for not being asleep.

In the early hours of the morning the garden is strangely still – save for the silent (to my ears at least) fluttering of bats, that circle round the lamp posts hoovering up insects as they go.  Nothing looks real – it looks fabricated – not like a real garden at all.  It looks almost two dimensional, somewhat like a child’s cut out.  

I sat and pondered my situation.  In the garden everything listens politely without judgment.  I sat and let the answers happen.  I asked for the Truth to be shown to me, and didn’t add any caveats.  I have come to the conclusion that there is no point in shying away from Universal Truth.  We are all the Universal Truth after all, and in all honesty cannot hide from ourselves – not really. 

Tonight I will sleep…  I am at ease.  I am content.  

Daily Prompt: Moved to Tears

Published August 11, 2013 by myagleny

Daily Prompt: Moved to Tears
On most days something will happen to bring tears to my eyes… It might be a piece of music or the clouds drifting peacefully at sunset, or the faces of my grandchildren when they see me. Usually the tears are ‘good’ones and fall easily because of beauty or grace. But sometimes – as just now – they are acid tears. They hurt and sting my eyes and refuse to flow, burning as they form – hot and unforgiving. It is as if they want to cause to my skin the pain I’m feeling in my heart.
I am SO disappointed… disappointed and frustrated. I am angry and bitter and wanting to rip out my chest. I want to shake those I love, and tell them to leave me the hell alone because I can’t prop them up anymore. I can’t do this daily grind anymore! I am sick and tired of being strong and wise and expected to keep it all together. Nothing I try ever works, money eludes me whatever I do, and I hate the voice in my head that tells me life is hopeless and that I am fooling myself.
These are not ‘good’ tears. These tears are from the deepest recesses of my heart – and they hurt.

Musing on Motherhood…

Published August 1, 2013 by myagleny

Walking in the evening sun just now, it came to me that if I had chosen to live a life that experienced many facets of motherhood, I think I could say that’s exactly what I’ve done!

I’ve been a young mother and an old mother, a mother married to the father of my children, and a mother married to the stepfather of my children.  I’ve been a single mother for many long and lonely years, and a mother too scared to ever try again. I’ve had a child with cancer and a child who tested me beyond my limits with the power of their personality and anger, and I’ve had a child with autism who taught me how to live and love again.  I’ve parented a child with chronic fatigue and depression, a child involved with drugs and teenage pregnancy, and I’ve been there when my child was attacked by their father, and had to run away in the night to start all over again.

Sometimes I think it’s a miracle I’m not insane, but then again I think perhaps I am – a little. Sometimes I’m glad for it all because the experiences have made me who I am and I know without them I would only be a fraction of the person I am now. Sometimes, when I feel sorry for myself, I wish none of it had ever happened, and that my life had been as it once was; that I’d kept my well paid job in London and drifted into middle age, childless and wealthy, with nothing but time and money on my hands…

But mostly I forget about it all…  I go about my day, and to the best of my ability appreciate what I have.  I take care of business… and only sometimes, when the sun is setting and evening casts its long and thoughtful shadows through the woods, do I remember such things, and wonder…