Starting with a migraine aura on Tuesday (such pretty, vibrant, twirling colours before my eyes!) and having, once again, been clobbered by a ‘virus’ in the last 24 hours, I find myself back in bed. I don’t mind – well, I do, but I also know how to make the best of it. I can write without feeling guilty, I can sleep if I want, and apart from cold sweats, coughing fits and copious nose blowing, I don’t feel too bad. I was going to London for a few days, but that is off the schedule… no outings for me at the moment – not even a dog walk – I think I would fall in a ditch and never be found. My dog would leave me in a heartbeat in favour of his dinner. There is a full moon tonight with a Lunar Eclipse, and it is also Lunar Beltane, so as far as I know there is a LOT of cosmic activity out there. Stuff… is moving.
Perhaps that is why I am confined to barracks. I seem to be very sensitive to such things these days. There is a certain logic in the assumption that what goes on ‘out there’ also goes on ‘in here’ – as above, so below etc. So it stands to reason, if the heavens are readjusting, so might we.
There has been a lot around ‘anger’ of late. My anger, and other people’s anger. For decades I would tell anyone who listened that I was not in possession of anger. “I don’t have any!” I would say with a smile “I am even tempered, and never get cross” What an angel…
This, of course, was always a lie. I am human, and humans get angry. It is what we do along with joy, sadness and all the other emotions that make us whole. It is what we do with the anger than matters. Healthy expression of anger is normal. “I am feeling angry, right now! I need to go and punch a pillow!” So do that. “I need to shout!” So go out in the car and do that. Violence is not anger – it is uncontrollable rage, often brought about by childhood abuse. A little child who has suffered in such a way, can grow into an adult whose rage bursts through and causes damage to themselves and others. But there is also suppression of anger. Nice people don’t get angry – except that they do. They just suppress it instead.
Suppression sits on top of violence and rage, and is not healthy, so just like a simmering volcano, no one knows when it might erupt. Suppressed anger is dangerous, and people holding that find loving, genuine relationships difficult to maintain. It is hard to trust a pressure cooker when the lid might blow at any second.
So we need to acknowledge our anger when it needs to find its voice. We need to notice it and confirm it, and allow it to have safe and healthy expression.
I have a feeling this is what my ‘virus’ is all about. I am feeling my anger in this unique way as it finds it’s way out. This is old anger, so old – never before expressed – this is the stuff that has been held for decades under the lid of suppression. It is not all shouting and screaming… it is simply a lower vibration I do not need to hold on to. Once it is gone, I know I will acknowledge anger as it comes in my now moments. If something or someone annoys me, I will express it. ‘I am feeling angry right now’. This doesn’t hurt anyone, it just allows the anger to move.
In my bed I am not angry because I don’t have to see anyone or do anything – it is the perfect time to deal with matters thus far unexpressed.