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All posts for the month April, 2013

Cash under the Bed

Published April 30, 2013 by myagleny

My ex-husband used to keep money under the bed.  He would shove bundles of notes under the mattress at the end of each working day, and occasionally even pay some of it into the bank.  He earned a lot of cash.  It was the nature of his business. The Inland Revenue never got the full story of course, it would have cost them a fortune to follow him around day after day as he visited wealthy ladies with money, and time, on their hands.  Every morning he would be up and gone at daybreak – no mobile phones back then, so I would never hear a word from him until he came home in the evening, pockets full of cash and starving hungry. Where had he been?  Who had he seen?  I never knew.  

Was he a gigolo? I think you could say there were perks (for him) that came with the job, but by profession he was a farrier – a blacksmith who nailed iron shoes onto horses.  Perhaps that was the appeal for the ladies with the loot. Lonely Lady Whoever would seldom turn down an hour in the company of something so dark and dangerous.  There was always a kind of earthy sexuality to him.  Like a fox, he was always on the look out and rarely missed a chance. The women adored him.  They would fall at his feet.

It’s very odd being married to someone other women fancy so openly.  In the end it makes you feel almost invisible. One lady, whose red finger nails seemed to know the line of his back just a little too well, even came to babysit.  Now that took some nerve. I didn’t know it at the time, for I was naive and probably downright stupid, but she and he had been at it for years.   Later I felt quite sorry for her, because she, like all the others, fell out of favour in the end. To cap it all he stopped shoeing her horses as well.

Of course someone like this doesn’t actually care for anyone.  How can they?  If you move from one person to another, without forming any personal attachment, you cannot possibly feel love or compassion for your fellow human beings.  If you did, you wouldn’t want to use them in such a callous way, or ever inflict more hurt.  To carry on behaving in this way year after year would surely be impossible for someone who had an ounce of kindness.  Not for him. He never looked back.  He had the unique ability of being able to erase unwanted people and thoughts from his mind.  They simply no longer existed.  He had no apparent guilt.  At age 14 he got a girl pregnant, and when confronted by the distraught father, merely shrugged and said ‘It’s not my problem mate – I’m going to football!’  Years later, when he told this story, he would chuckle.  It was one of his favourites.

So what happened to jack-the-lad?  He with the dark and swarthy looks and muscles to match…  What happened to the man with the eyes of a snake and the habits of a libertine? What happened to the grand seducer who never had to try too hard?

Well… For one thing he got old!  (Pause for smirk…)  

Like for all of us, time ticks away and takes away our youth and our vitality.

Not so much cash under the bed these days I’ll be bound.

Bees, Measles and the right to Live

Published April 27, 2013 by myagleny

It’s hard not to be cynical.  Let’s face it, anyone with half a brain knows that pharmaceutical and chemical companies are not in the business of putting themselves out of business.  With billions of dollars in profits every year, why would they ever contemplate confirming that something bringing in the big bucks now could be dangerous in the long term. That kind of thinking isn’t going to pay dividends and keep the Board of Directors in designer suits.  Surely it’s not much of a quantum leap to imagine that at the end of the day, ‘they’ do not want a healthy world at all.

It seems it’s measles time again.  A disease that my generation coped with rather well – and survived.  To be honest it never seemed that much of a deal.   ‘Where’s Sarah today? ‘  ‘She’s at home with the measles’ ‘Oh.’   My own daughter caught it when she was 5 and sure enough she was pretty groggy for a day or two, it wasn’t pleasant and she was miserable, but within a week she was up and about same as usual – and she a cancer survivor.

A government adviser here in the UK is suggesting children in the private school system are a threat to children at large.  It seems their rebellious ‘middle class’ parents have not had them vaccinated.  He even suggests the schools in question should put pressure on these parents to jab their children.  It seems it’s all about the greater good.

Since these so-called ‘middle class’ parents have made a conscious, informed decision not to vaccinate their children, then that must be their choice.  At the moment, we still live in a free country…  don’t we?  To suggest that parents should be forced to contaminate their children’s bodies against their wishes seems one short step away from a paradigm shift towards global dictatorship.  God forbid we should find out in years to come that someone was taking backhanders from a pharmaceutical company.  Outrageous!  Such a thing would never happen…

It has also been suggested that vaccinations aren’t all they are cracked up to be anyway.  It seems their introduction coincided with a widespread understanding about personal hygiene – people started to wash their hands.  Many diseases were on the decline at this time simply because of this. If vaccinations are the holy grail and the answer to our human ills, one wonders how mankind has evolved so far without them.

No one wants to die – but guess what?  We all do.  Nothing and no one who has ever walked on this planet has dodged the inevitable.  It’s just a matter of time.

So while we are here, what shall we do with this life?  Shall we live it terrified at every turn, too scared to step out of the well established, profit creating, parameters laid down by authorities, governments and big business?  Shall we lie down and whimper in fear as something else gets forced upon us, because we do not know how to be responsible for ourselves and say ‘No’?

This week we are watching as our government plays environmental Russian roulette once again.  They are considering NOT banning pesticides that are scientifically proven to be devastating our bee populations.  Why would they do that?  Once again, a government adviser is saying that it would be a disaster to ban them. He says it would impact severely on crop production.  He seems to be blind to anything else.  One could say he was extraordinarily focused on the continued sale and use of these products.  God forbid in years to come someone might be found to have been receiving backhanders from a chemical giant.  Outrageous!  Such a thing would never happen…

Are you fed up with being told what to think and what to do?  I am.  The only person who knows me, is me.  I am tired of being frightened into thinking my body has something wrong with it.  How dare they invade my home and my mind with their poison.  They would say it was helpful –  they would say they are talking about prevention – but they are not. They are spinning a web of fear that paralyses, and ensures profits and control stay exactly where they are – with the tiny proportion of the population that controls over 90% of the global wealth.

There are good people out there, of course there are – good, kind and well meaning people who are doing their very best with what they have and what they know.  But is it always for the best? One size, one pesticide and one vaccination doesn’t fit all.  In the end we have to take responsibility for ourselves.  Each one of us lives and dies here on planet earth, and whether we like it or not, we are always by ourselves.  Fundamentally we are alone.  Running away from ourselves means a life of suffering.  We have to come face to face with that reality sooner or later.  In the end it is how we live this life between birth and death that really matters – how do we want to leave this Earth?  A healthy place, a happy place, a thriving place?  Or one that is consumed by lies built on nothing more than profits and losses…

We all die… but before we go, do we all live?

And so to bed

Published April 25, 2013 by myagleny

Starting with a migraine aura on Tuesday (such pretty, vibrant, twirling colours before my eyes!) and having, once again, been clobbered by a ‘virus’ in the last 24 hours, I find myself back in bed. I don’t mind – well, I do, but I also know how to make the best of it.  I can write without feeling guilty, I can sleep if I want, and apart from cold sweats, coughing fits and copious nose blowing, I don’t feel too bad.  I was going to London for a few days, but that is off the schedule… no outings for me at the moment – not even a dog walk – I think I would fall in a ditch and never be found.  My dog would leave me in a heartbeat in favour of his dinner. There is a full moon tonight with a Lunar Eclipse, and it is also Lunar Beltane, so as far as I know there is a LOT of cosmic activity out there.  Stuff… is moving.

Perhaps that is why I am confined to barracks.  I seem to be very sensitive to such things these days.  There is a certain logic in the assumption that what goes on ‘out there’ also goes on ‘in here’ – as above, so below etc. So it stands to reason, if the heavens are readjusting, so might we. 

There has been a lot around ‘anger’ of late.  My anger, and other people’s anger.  For decades I would tell anyone who listened that I was not in possession of anger.  “I don’t have any!” I would say with a smile “I am even tempered, and never get cross”  What an angel…

This, of course, was always a lie.  I am human, and humans get angry.  It is what we do along with joy, sadness and all the other emotions that make us whole.  It is what we do with the anger than matters.  Healthy expression of anger is normal.  “I am feeling angry, right now! I need to go and punch a pillow!”  So do that. “I need to shout!” So go out in the car and do that.  Violence is not anger – it is uncontrollable rage, often brought about by childhood abuse.  A little child who has suffered in such a way, can grow into an adult whose rage bursts through and causes damage to themselves and others.  But there is also suppression of anger.  Nice people don’t get angry – except that they do.  They just suppress it instead.

Suppression sits on top of violence and rage, and is not healthy, so just like a simmering volcano, no one knows when it might erupt. Suppressed anger is dangerous, and people holding that find loving, genuine relationships difficult to maintain.  It is hard to trust a pressure cooker when the lid might blow at any second.

So we need to acknowledge our anger when it needs to find its voice.  We need to notice it and confirm it, and allow it to have safe and healthy expression.  

I have a feeling this is what my ‘virus’ is all about. I am feeling my anger in this unique way as it finds it’s way out. This is old anger, so old – never before expressed – this is the stuff that has been held for decades under the lid of suppression.  It is not all shouting and screaming… it is simply a lower vibration I do not need to hold on to. Once it is gone, I know I will acknowledge anger as it comes in my now moments.  If something or someone annoys me, I will express it.  ‘I am feeling angry right now’.  This doesn’t hurt anyone, it just allows the anger to move. 

In my bed I am not angry because I don’t have to see anyone or do anything – it is the perfect time to deal with matters thus far unexpressed.

Sleep calls.Image 

 

Missing out

Published April 21, 2013 by myagleny

Went into the bank this week to pay a bill… Couldn’t do it on line, because I don’t have a gizmo known as a ‘card reader’.  As I waited in the queue for Information, a young lady came over and asked if she could help.  I explained what I wanted, and she beckoned me to follow.  We sat together by a computer, and within a couple of minutes the payment was made. She asked me if there was anything else she could do to help.  I suggested she might like to type a couple more zeros onto my account – would be dead easy I said, no one would know!  She laughed – probably heard it a million times.  

After that she told me how she lives right by the beach.  I said that must be wonderful – how great to be able to stroll out in the evening after work and have a walk by the sea!  How special to have such freedom close by!  ‘Oh no!’, she said.  ‘We never do that – we just go straight home and lock the door’.  She told me she is very security conscious.  I told her I have nothing to steal.  She said she was more worried about her personal safety.  She said she and her partner are saving to buy their own house too.  They don’t have time to go for walks, or do anything much together at all  ‘We work all hours’ she said.

How bloody sad is that?  I mean… really, really sad.  Too scared to go out, no time to go out, no knowledge of a meaning for life other than working all day, every day, to get something… sometime… but never living now.  This woman works in artificially lit, air conditioned offices, bombarded by electro-magnetic frequencies, and she never gets to breathe the fresh air off the sea.  Does she ever watch the sun go down, or hear the gulls cry as a storm blows in?  Does she ever feel the shiver of life as spray hits her face when the breakers crash on the shore, or sink her toes into warm sand and laugh – just because she can?  

What has happened to humanity?  How did we become so disconnected?  When did we shut the door on Life and the natural world, and give ourselves up to an existence chained forever to a false sense of security that never comes?

We have given up our freedom, given up our living, breathing, vibrant life, just because we have forgotten who we are.  We spend our days in our heads, thinking and thinking the same stress-filled thoughts over and over again.  We never get a break. It is a madness, a sickness of the mind. We are in a deep, deep sleep – and all the time we think we are awake.  

Life never stops.  It goes on and on and on, in a never ending now.  We miss all of it – all the magic and all the wonder – just because we do not allow ourselves to experience life in the now… we are lost in the dream of all our yesterdays, and tomorrows that will never come.

‘What is this life, if full of care, we have no time to stand and stare…’  

 

Lessons for Life

Published April 19, 2013 by myagleny

What soul expansion can be triggered by the words and actions of a little child!  If you love them already the learning experience is all the deeper, all the stronger, all the more profound.  It is the kind of thing that splits the heart open with a crack like thunder. You have no choice but to let it go.   Like the bolt of lightning itself, it happens so fast you can do nothing but give yourself up to the inevitable.

I am so lucky, I have three dear little souls in my life.  Here they are, open and honest, and from my perspective my greatest teachers in this, the latter part of my life. I have cried real tears today.  Taken myself away and sobbed quietly out of sight.  Why would I do such a thing? What could have happened to break open my heart in such a way?

My little 2 year old  teacher shouted at me. Not just shouted, he screamed and yelled. He was consumed by a rage that was not his.  I saw a dark shadow cross his normally smiling face, and saw him fall under its spell. Whose rage was it?  Where did it come from?

In my world I can see that he has learned this rage. It is not him.  He has seen it, and now mirrors it when things don’t go his way. He is so young he has no other tools to call upon to make his wishes known.  He simply does what he has seen others do, and now it is part of who he is.  Like all of us, he is learning how to be an adult by watching and copying the people in his life.  I felt such sadness when he threw things at me and yelled so loud and fierce – I couldn’t keep it in.  My heart broke open when I watched him, for I feared his life would be all the harder because he now has rage.  This rage might mean judgments from others, condemnation and telling off – he might get into trouble and be punished, and all because he has learned something he never needed to learn.  The tears fell from my eyes as I realised others might never know the light he truly is.  All they will see will be an angry person who cannot handle themselves.  And this dear little boy might only see the world as a place full of judgments, instead of one filled with love and kindness.

Where is the pearl in this?  Where is the gift of learning? For hours I felt so sad I couldn’t see it.  Now I think I do.

If I can remember that EVERYONE is a wounded child, I can forgive them.  If I can remember that everyone is simply working with what they were given and are always doing their best, I will not be hurt by their words or actions.  If I can see the wounded child in all the people in this little boy’s life (including me), I will not judge them or myself.  If I can see the child in EVERYONE, I can love the world – just the way it is.

Thank you my little angel for your wonderful teaching.  I will try to remember what you have taught me today.  Bless you sweetheart.Image

Butt out.

Published April 16, 2013 by myagleny

When woken to the fact that most of the day is spent interfering in other people’s business, telling them what to do and how to do it, it’s quite a shock to to realise how little time is left to spend in one’s own. Nearly every thought involves a wish that someone else would do something differently. Do it this way – do it that way – do it anyway as long as it’s my way… Think like I think and believe what I believe…

Enmeshed and entangled in the lives of others, there is precious little time to get on and live one’s own.  Our lives, quite literally, pass us by while we keep our focus elsewhere.

I’m changing that.  I’m catching my thoughts and wrestling them to the ground.  I will not spend another day resisting what is, with how much I want it altered. What a waste of time! For one thing, it’s none of my business what others do.  As long as it has no direct impact on me (in other words as long as that lorry isn’t about to reverse into my car) I must surely let everyone else get on with it.

But human nature is rife with judgments. We love to have our say. We become so holier than thou with our rights and wrongs and dos and don’ts.  We consider ourselves knowledgeable and wise, and cannot wait to tell everyone else all about it.  It makes us feel so much better to know more than another.  We can puff ourselves up with personal importance and bask in our superiority.  It is hard work to maintain such a lofty position mind you, but we have to do it anyway because we know someone else could walk around the corner any minute and know more than we do, and then our world would come crashing down because we have built it on nothing more than ego and the judgments we inherited from others and made our own.

Can you imagine a world where everyone simply allowed others to make their own mistakes?  Where they stayed out of their business, and no one crowed because someone else had stumbled…  A world where all achieved so much more with their own lives because they lived them fully, growing in confidence because of their own discoveries.

While people keep telling other people what to do and how to do it, there can be no freedom or autonomy.  While we keep pointing the finger of blame and judgment, while we keep interfering and entangling, we will never be free.

What were my mistakes, might turn out to be the seeds of your victories – I can never know. Image

  

  

Finding the Magic in the Moment – never too old to roll on the floor

Published April 12, 2013 by myagleny

I’ve just completed ten hours straight, childminding my little grandsons.  I started just after six this morning and finished at 4.45.  I am 58 – old enough its true – but not so old as to be worthy of knocking North Korea off the headlines.  My mother on the other hand was the original trooper.. She was over 70 when she cared for my two year old daughter while my other child had a life threatening illness.  There was no one else to carry the load back then – it was down to her, with no get-out clause.  That was hardcore.  That was days, weeks and months of digging deep.   That lady, well into her golden years, should have been taking it very easy, pruning the roses and sipping her tea, not running around after a little child traumatised by losing her family, and who long since had given up taking a daytime nap.

Me?  I just make a big fat fuss compared to what my mother undertook with such dignity and courage. But all the same, two little boys under 6 can surely knock the stuffing out of the best of us.

As a mother I didn’t have boys.  I had four girls instead.  Boys fight, and I really don’t get that.  I was used to creative pursuits when spending time with little children.  We painted and sculpted and read books with brightly coloured pictures.  We baked cakes and stuck glitter onto anything that would take it.  Boys aren’t that way inclined – at least my boys aren’t.  They are high octane, full on, and out of their skins 24/7.  They find anything and turn it into a gun, they wrestle and throw themselves around, they bounce on the furniture, the beds, and each other.  They yell and shout, and have no volume control, they cannot concentrate on anything (apart from a video game) for more than 10 seconds. They are the fullest expression of life in all its dynamic, energetic intensity…  And I know, in my heart, that they are here to show me just how much power there is to be had when you open up the taps, and let unfettered, unpolluted Life flow through you.

In this society, as you get older it becomes almost acceptable to be slow, cynical and complaining. It is a well established negative attitude entrenched in the collective thought-form of humanity on Planet Earth. Unconsciously we buy into this erroneous limitation to our lives – a false belief imposed by generations of similar thinkers – and we say..  ‘This is the way it is…’   Time (for which we only have circumstantial evidence btw – no direct evidence – in other words, it is always NOW even though we see things decay and die) dictates that we not only decline in our bodies, but we also rot away in our minds and attitudes as well.  We expect to feel bad.  

Why should we do this?  It is insane.  As we get older we accumulate decades of knowledge – wisdom if you like –  gained from a vast pool of experience that has been our life path.  Why should this have to make us feel sad, full of regret and cynical? Why can we not turn this thinking on its head and be full to bursting with the understanding that Life IS what we make of it – it IS how we perceive it – and it IS how we live it!  By the time you get to my age, we KNOW it is all about choice – we know we do not have to accept anything that makes us feel bad – we know we can simply decide in the moment to look for the good in all things.  And we also know, if we care to admit it, that just because we spent 50 years working this out for ourselves, it doesn’t mean we have to resent others who discover it a little quicker.  From our place in the bigger perspective, we have the luxury of knowing a little more of the fun and illusion of how Life really works.

When the boys are with me, I live in the now.  I stop worrying, I stop fearing, I stop banging on about the past and I stop projecting fearfully into the future.  I am fully present – here and now. I play, I laugh, I roll on the floor, I make funny faces and silly noises, I forget all about my 58 years – they are of no consequence when you are in the moment.  

When I am with them, I see the world anew, and also with the timeless gift of wisdom… and that feels good. 🙂